Sisters

today is the first of many days that i will wake with a heavy heart, remember, and pray for my sister. i find myself thinking about sisters today. is it because i listen to my two girls finally learning how to play together without fighting, just simply being kind to each other and laughing together? is it because i think of my family gathering in san diego for thanksgiving and wishing my little family and i were there with them, making more memories? or is it because i've spent the day thinking about lexie and brizzy and the experiences they will miss out on with holland? 

i peeked in on my girls today (mostly because it was way too quiet in the toy room) and this is what i found. 

(sorry for the crappy picture quality. i was trying to take pictures on my phone without them noticing)

portia was sharing her crayons with teya and they were actually interacting and having a conversation...and teya wasn't eating crayons or ripping portia's drawings. they were laughing together and, though it looks an awful lot like a choke hold, portia spent a good portion of their time together with her arm around teya, helping her draw her name and picking up the crayons teya frequently dropped. after snapping a few photos, i quietly closed the door and sat on the stairs, crying. 

i cried for lexie, knowing she won't have moments like this with briz and holland. knowing that, as aggravating and hurtful sisters can sometimes be, there is nothing quite like a sister. someone who knows your brand of crazy and can commiserate your family's idiosyncrasies without judgement. someone who tells you how it really is without killing your spirit. someone who will cry with you and love your babies as much as you do. 

i cried for brizban, knowing she probably won't ever fully understand this missing part of her life. knowing that she won't have this amazingly special girl to teach her to share and hurt and love. i know she will have siblings, when the time is right. but it just hurts my heart to know that this opportunity isn't her's right now. 

i know holland is happy where she is and any unhappiness she might feel is on behalf of her family still here on earth. i know that there is a plan that makes it possible for nick and lexie to see their baby grow up and experience the things they didn't experience here. but evenso, i'm selfish on my sister's behalf. i want lexie to have those experiences. i want nick to get smothered in nail polish and hair bows and tiaras by his two princesses. i want brizzy to have a buddy to talk with at night after mom and dad leave their bedroom. i want lexie to have the fun experience of dressing up her girls in matching outfits and seeing how they dread  look forward to those outfits. i want my girls to have little girl cousins who can't wait to play together. 

i think one of the most difficult aspects of this grief process is mourning the "if only" moments. if only we could see holland blessed.  if only we could see her start walking and running. if only we could see her joy and trepidation on the first day of school or on her wedding day. coming to terms with the fact that i want these moments for my sister does not mean i lack faith has been one of the hardest things to explain. i cannot even begin to describe some of the experiences of the last month, mostly because they are meant for our family. there is no doubt in my mind that we have a Father in heaven who knows each of us personally and cries with us and rejoices with us. i know that the plan of salvation is a plan of eternal happiness. and yet, sometimes i'm genuinely just really pissed that Heavenly Father would do this to my sister and her husband. i know it's stupid and shallow and very finite of me to be mad, but i get mad. mostly because i don't know what else to do. so i get mad....

...and then i pray for my sister. i pray that she will have the strength to survive this with her sarcasm and wit and wonderful personality still intact. i pray that she will have the comfort and guidance she needs. i pray for her marriage and her husband. i pray for her to know peace and hope. i pray that i will be as close to the spirit as she is. i pray to keep remembering the things holland's brief life have irrevocably imprinted on my mind and heart. 

today is the one-month anniversary of holland's death. i have been thinking about, crying for, and praying for my sister all day. at the end of the day, i have nothing profound to contribute. i still feel completely helpless and at a loss for ways to help my sister. i still wish i could take this burden for her. but i am grateful for what i have and what i know.  i have my belief in a loving Savior. i have my love for my family and my desperate pleas to God that i can make the most of my time with them. i have a renewed desire to be better, to merit an eternal association with this beautiful little girl and to be with my family for eternity. it may not be a lot, but i'm okay with that.